Hahah, "every day, or when I get a chance"

yeah right. I haven't updated this in forever.

Okay so the #9 worst band of all time is

DAVE MATTHEWS BAND


Why, you ask? It's the fans, simply. Dave Matthews and his band have made an extremely successful career, especially for above-average musicians. Yeah, they're all good musicians. Dave Matthews is a decent-to-good songwriter. You know that song "Crash Into Me" or whatever? It ain't bad! I mean, yeah it is, but for what it's worth, as a cheesy folk-pop song designed to remove panties from college girls instantly, it's pretty much the best there is.

But, the thing is, they're nothing spectacular.

Any music student can get a bunch of band geeks together, play some 7th chords, and start a jazzy acoustic band in college. Plenty do! You can see them on street corners, in coffee shops and open mic nites, in your sociology class. And if you're a nerd (and there's a good chance you are, if you're reading my blog) these guys probably get on your nerves. They're kind of douchey bros, most of the time, probably not as smart as you, but chicks dig them! THOSE BASTARDS!
At least, that's my take on it.

Anyway, Dave Matthews has given hope to millions of college bros, inspiration to pick up a guitar and get laid. It's said that the Velvet Underground launched a million indie rock bands. Well, Dave Matthews is kind of the Velvet Underground of bro-folk. Next time you see a guy in a polo shirt singing acoustic covers of Oasis, The Plain White T's, or Dave himself, you know who to blame.


and that is why Dave Matthews is the 9th worst band of all time.

The 10 Worst Bands/Artists Of All Time

So I woke up this morning thinking about terrible music, as I often do. And it occurred to me that I should write this list. Now, lists like these have been written before. Plenty of 'em. But I often find that people let their personal prejudices get in the way. I tried to come up with a list of, objectively, the worst bands of all time. "Worst" meaning some sublime kind of badness, a badness that is almost spiritual. I, personally, would be honored to be on this list.

What I'm saying here is, I'm not going to pick on bands that I just don't like because I think their music is, in some way, lame. For instance, you'll never catch me listening to and/or enjoying the music of Styx. Sorry Styx fans, I'm just not sold on the majestic beauty of songs like "Lady" and "Come Sail Away", no matter how hip it is to ironically appreciate "bad 80's music." These bands are a different breed of bad than Styx. These bands take sucking to an art form.

So I'm gonna do these bands one at a time, and write a little essay on each. I don't know how frequently I'll update this. Probably every day, or when I get a chance.

So, it begins:


NUMBER TEN:

BROKENCYDE


Brokencyde is the newest band on this list, and so, I decided to put them at #10. Let's give them a little room for improvement. They've only got one album, it's called I'm Not A Fan... But The Kids Like It! This is probably the best thing about this band. It's a self-aware title, and the only evidence I see towards this band being a big, elaborate joke. If this band really is a joke, it's a fucking great one, and I applaud them heartily on their spot-on parody of exactly what's wrong with this generation.

Now I don't know if you've heard Brokencyde. Let's assume you haven't. First of all, I'm jealous of you. I will never get the chorus to their single, "FreaXXX" out of my head, now that I've heard it.

For the uninitiated, here's a link to the song on Youtube.
WARNING: This song is really awful.

Now, I like to compare Brokencyde to Linkin Park. Remember Linkin Park? In the early 2000s, Linkin Park released a single called "One Step Closer" which I heard, as a young lad, on the now-defunct Philadelphia alternative/modern rock station Y100. As a young man of taste and refinement, I instantly hated it. This band, as I understood, was a marketing ploy, combining "rebellious" teenage punk/hardcore/metal fashion with that nineties classic, the boy band. I called Linkin Park "N'Sync with a Nose Ring" and derided my peers and classmates for their enjoyment of this emerging genre of music, nu-metal. I preferred my teenage angst from the likes of The Smashing Pumpkins and The Who, thankyouverymuch.

Essentially, Linkin Park took the two genres that parents found the most annoying (hip-hop and metal) and combined them, with a family-friendly (no swearing, boys!) pop sheen that mixed Vanilla Ice-style rapping and Backstreet Boys-style autotuned harmonies with big angsty rock guitars and turntables. Of course, they were a massive success.

But something tells me Brokencyde isn't going to be a massive success.

How is Brokencyde like Linkin Park, you ask? Well, they've updated Linkin Park for the Jersey Shore generation. The music scene of today has genres of music even more annoying to parents than ordinary rap and metal. Now we have "crunk" and "scene metal" Now, I don't really follow scene metal. I guess kids call it "metalcore" or "emo" or what have you, but where I'm from, Converge is metalcore and Indian Summer is emo. These bands sound nothing like "scene metal." But I digress.

To top it all off, Brokencyde combines crunk and scene metal with the emerging genre of "Disney Pop", like The Jonas Brothers, 2010's answer to 90's boybands. The genius of Brokencyde is that, as I mentioned before, I can't tell on what level of irony they're operating on. Sure, their music is awful, but it's almost like it's been designed by record execs to be the most annoying music ever concieved. What's even more genius about this band is that I'm pretty sure they weren't created by record execs, like Linkin Park, but rather were just a group of 17 year old kids who wanted to make music. and it just happens that this group of kids made the 10th worst band of all time. Um, congratulations? It's certainly a feat, if anything. It's better to have a band that everyone hates rather than a band that everyone is ambivalent about.


Coming up next: #9.

200 Bands

the stooges are retarded.
radiohead are intelligent.
the cure are sad.
van halen are partying.
tom waits is classy.
weezer are geeky.
slayer are brutal.
the residents are insane.
the monkees are wholesome.
mr bungle are schizophrenic.
the cramps are perverted.
everclear are whiny.
napalm death are obnoxious.
the damned are damned.
u2 are important.
ministry are dark.
lightning bolt are overwhelming.
the dead kennedys are political.
crass are anarchist.
gang of four are socialist.
rage against the machine are communist.
kiss are capitalist.
moby is democratic.
ted nugent is republican.
john cougar mellencamp is american.
the meat puppets are blazed.
the mc5 are rowdy.
guns and roses are violent.
the new york dolls are men.
sleater-kinney are women.
the fall are sarcastic.
rem are earnest.
electric six are fabulous.
blood brothers are spastic.
television are nervous.
the stone roses are arrogant.
the guess who are humble.
buddy holly is premature.
wilco are mature.
chuck berry is slick.
sebadoh are sloppy.
weird al is wacky.
frank black is zany.
xtc are brainy.
bad brains are intense.
de la soul are funny.
madonna is materialistic.
devo are ironic.
the eagles are rich.
the dead milkmen are silly.
nick cave is serious.
brian eno is brilliant.
roxy music are sensual.
nwa are gangsta.
ac/dc are cocky.
insane clown posse are stupid.
the breeders are elegant.
liars are cruel.
burzum is evil.
the buzzcocks are witty.
the melvins are slow.
the yardbirds are glorious.
the flying burrito brothers are rural.
wu-tang clan are urban.
blink 182 are suburban.
cream are snobby.
aerosmith are sleazy.
gg allin is terrible.
linkin park are awful.
limp bizket are worse.
the b-52s are camp.
public enemy are black.
beastie boys are jewish.
eminem is white.
black sabbath are heavy.
fugazi are ethical.
the red hot chili peppers are sexy.
jimi hendrix is freaky.
james brown is funky.
the clash are righteous.
stevie wonder is visionary.
lou reed is cool
rush are uncool.
willie nelson is wise.
man man are ridiculous.
big star are legendary.
john lennon is mean.
paul mccartney is sweet.
george harrison is spiritual.
ringo starr is charming.
operation ivy are energetic.
pete seeger is fatherly.
joni mitchell is motherly.
metallica are angry.
the talking heads are paranoid.
big black are hateful.
the mamas and the papas are loving.
woody guthrie is ancient.
green day are pubescent.
tiny tim is huge.
patti smith is poetic.
simon and garfunkel are bookish.
bob dylan is lying.
ween are joking.
the ramones are dumb.
wire are smart.
the smiths are melodramatic.
zz top are masculine.
belle and sebastian are feminine.
bob marley is natural.
aphex twin is unnatural.
ol dirty bastard is dirty.
the rza is sharp.
the gza is masterful.
the minutemen are economical.
the butthole surfers are gross.
hanson are clean.
sonic youth are abstract.
pere ubu are concrete.
the everly brothers are sleepy.
the strokes are modern.
x are retro.
daniel johnston is crazy.
the velvet underground are arty.
creedence clearwater revival are unpretentious.
the doors are pretentious.
the beach boys are blissful.
neutral milk hotel are ugly.
sigur ros are beautiful.
my bloody valentine are pretty.
the pixies are hyper.
the kinks are english.
the pogues are irish.
pavement are smartasses.
the flaming lips are weird.
the descendents are immature.
husker du are bitter.
elliott smith is dead.
the jesus and mary chain are druggy.
modest mouse are drunk.
frank zappa is sober.
gogol bordello are tipsy.
the white stripes are incestuous.
the smashing pumpkins are pompous.
neil young is old.
the who are young.
guided by voices are messy.
the byrds are trippy.
the violent femmes are horny.
explosions in the sky are cinematic.
anal cunt are offensive.
genesis are theatrical.
godspeed you! black emperor are apocolyptic.
mudhoney are unclean.
animal collective are wild.
xiu xiu are disturbed.
of montreal are flamboyant.
kraftwerk are industrious.
the magnetic fields are coy.
can are repetitive.
bauhaus are gothic.
the misfits are devilish.
yes are excessive.
pissed jeans are smelly.
the jesus lizard are dangerous.
devendra banhart is hairy.
iron maiden are nerdy.
spiritualized are fucked.
janis joplin is loose.
leonard cohen is deep.
johnny cash is tough.
motorhead are rough.
frank sinatra is smooth.
nine inch nails are angsty.
led zeppelin are bombastic.
mission of burma are anthemic.
nick drake is shy.
the band are fabled.
elvis presley is rebellious.
jonathan richman is pure.
bright eyes are dramatic.
nirvana are depressed.
the pillows are innocent.
david bowie is androgynous.
the arcade fire are epic.
queen are gay.
minor threat are straight.
dinosaur jr are loud.
beat happening are amateur.
joanna newsom is childish.
joy division are detached.
the sex pistols are confrontational.
captain beefheart is absurd.
black flag are pissed.
the replacements are jerks.
the beatles are perfect.
the rolling stones are easy.
pink floyd are grandiose.
bruce springsteen is heroic.
the grateful dead are stoned.

Ursa Major

Tim and Steve


Ursa Major is a band from Pennsylvania, mostly based in Pittsburgh. They've recently completed their new full-length, Great Big Light and are getting ready for a summer tour. Unlike Cuddlefish, Ursa Major is a real band. They're real people. They eat and sleep and shit. Sometimes they get drunk.

Their members are as follows:

Ben- guitar/vocals/piano/drums
Jimmy- banjo/vocals/guitar/occasional sax
Steve- guitar/vocals/mandolin/electric piano
Tim- bass, backing vocals
Kyle- drums



Jimmy and Kyle


Ursa Major's sound has evolved from their early days, when they were mostly acoustic folk, to a soul/folk/rock combo. They certainly have a 60's feel. Each of the three singers has their own unique style. Ben brings to the table a kind of psychedelic folk-pop, like Dr. Dog or Paul MacCartney. Jimmy writes the ballads, his songs are a sort of heartbroken baroque-folk. Steve is the soul man of the group, if Otis Redding was a white Jewish kid who also plays a mean guitar solo.

I've heard an advance copy of their forthcoming album, Great Big Light, recorded by Eli Wenger of Los Halos in Phoenixville, PA. It's only about 33 minutes long, but not a second is wasted. The record runs the gamut from Creedence/Stones-inspired chooglin' ("Free To Roam") to doo-wop/soul revival ("Cabin Fever") to lovesick folk ballads ("Fox and Mole"). The album's highlights include the aforementioned tracks, as well as "Radio", an intense rock n' roll rave-up that really shines live, and "Jimmy Swim", perhaps the best damn song on the whole album, a near-indescribable folk/rock masterpiece which wouldn't sound out of place on Let It Be or Songs From Big Pink.

Ursa Major is opening for Langhorne Slim on April 12 at Carnegie Mellon University in Pittsburgh, PA. Tickets are $5, free with a CMU student ID. Look for their album, to be released tentatively in June, on iTunes.

Recommended If You Like: The Band, Flying Burrito Brothers, The Kinks, Loaded-era Velvet Underground


Ben





Photos by Ohad Cadji

CUDDLEFISH

Cuddlefish is an 11-piece twee collective from somewhere in rural Maine. They put out their first EP, Cuddle with Cuddlefish last fall. I spoke with frontman Budd Gerald about their forthcoming album and first tour, which is planned for summer 2010.

AFL: Hey there
BG: Yo.
AFL: So, how is the weather up in Maine?
BG: Cold. Wet. It's kind of like touching a frog's skin, you know? A frog that's cold and wet.
AFL: Yeah, I've touched some frogs in my day.
BG: Haven't we all.
AFL: Heh, yeah. So...
BG: Yeah?
AFL: Well, I was gonna ask you about your first EP...
BG: Oh, you mean Adventures In Cuddleland?
AFL: Yeah. er, I mean... isn't it called Cuddle With Cuddlefish?
BG: No.
AFL: Oh.
BG: Yeah, uh...
AFL:...
BG:...
AFL:... soooo... who's in your band?
BG: Oh, well, there's me, I write all the words and I sing. Delilia sings too. There's John, he plays the guitar. Maria plays the keys. Dave plays the drums. Jasper plays the bass. I forget the rest of the members, they rotate in and out. It's pretty much just me and Delilia the whole time, firing and hiring new members. It's a collective, you know.
AFL: Yeah. So... are you gonna play a song for us?
BG: Sure.
*Cuddlefish plays a song. I think it was called "Rubber Tires and Big Fat Liars"*
AFL: Wow. That... that was really somethin'
BG: Yeah. I guess.
AFL: So... this summer tour. When's it startin?
BG: Oh, it's cancelled.
AFL: What?
BG: Yeah. Delilia is pregnant, we can't go on tour.
AFL: Oh! Wow... that's ashame.
BG: Yeah. I guess.




---




Yeah, it wasn't a very good interview.

A FLOOR LAMP

on the ground (the floor)

makin' light

awwwrite